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Heart at Home
06 March 2007 @ 04:43 pm
Searching for apartments: I find it rather refreshing, yet distinctly stressful.
At least I get to poke around in other people's dwellings. ;oP





Also, can you tell I suck at sharing the intimate details of my life? lol.
 
 
Current Mood: jovial
 
 

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Heart at Home
24 February 2007 @ 06:59 pm
lol. Wow.. talk about being so very uninteresting.

hah, that's me.

I'll think I'll go on a theraupeutic grocery shopping mission. And honestly, I'll have a great time. ;oP
 
 
Current Mood: bouncy
 
 
Heart at Home
20 February 2007 @ 09:40 pm
Stage 1 Hypertension and I finally realize that I'm abusing my body.

I also don't have a place to live next year.





Crap.



Atleast I have some wonderful people to help me through. ;oD

I have some friends visiting tomorrow from a couple hours away, and they might swoop on by and pick up my Sweetheart too. So I hope tomorrow is a great day.
I just need a fresh start.
I chose Monday, Feb. 26th as the date to start seriously taking care of myself to reduce my blood pressure and I plan to stick to it. It's either that, or I'm not going to live as long as I thought I was.

It's funny how fragile things really are.
 
 
Current Mood: odd
 
 
Heart at Home
So, I'm not feeling generally as listless as yesterday. I'm attributing it to the fact that I was ill because 3 nose-bleeds later (mind you, I am not a nose-bleeder), a fever, nausea, and a 4.5 hour long hospital visit, I realized that maybe my body was just down in the dumps and my mood simply followed.
The bad news is, however, that an assignment worth 15% of my mark in my Sociology of Education class was entirely neglected, and I have today to send it in ... minus 10% of course, for being late.
Silly me, I didn't have cash to buy a doctor's note. I'm hoping my hospital bracelet will help.. but alas, I can't find a date on it. What's with that?

Oh, and to make me feel that much more special, I found out I have unusually high blood pressure for someone my age (19yrs).
So it's exercise, no salt, and weight loss for me... yay! ;oP I don't mind really, I've needed to go on a health-kick for a while, and this was a slap in the face for little old me to get me to do it.
Oh, and for someone my age.. high blood pressure tends to be caused by a horrible diet, genetics, no exercise, stress, or obesity.
I can cut out the obesity but the other 4 definitely aren't doing me very well.
Oh well, I'll take it with a grain of salt (no more of that for me!), and just say I'm lucky we caught it so early. I'm 19, I have my whole life ahead of me. I better start taking care of myself.

Oh, and another little bonus:
Things weren't working well with the group of friends I was trying to find a house with, so we found another 6-bedroom house that seems perfect for my other half, his room-mates, and I. One of the individuals knows the landlord, so that will definitely work in our favour.

And my other half, my Sweetheart, stayed with me the whole time at the hospital even though it was his night off. That's why I should be happy. ;oD
 
 
Current Mood: thankful
 
 
Heart at Home
07 February 2007 @ 12:54 pm
I'm at a loss. I feel like, lately, I'm simply wandering through the day. I'm doing things just to pass the time, not to be productive. In fact, I can't remember the last time I felt productive.  Everything seems like such a waste.
I skip classes religiously, I push everything off to the last minute; and the minute I HAVE to get something done, my mood slips underneath me.
It's odd.. I'm clingy, and I constantly want a new adventure (never by myself, of course); I just can't convince myself to do anything hum-drum and basically, essential.
God forbid I actually do something I'm supposed to.
I'm lazy, unproductive, and I forget about everything I'm trying to accomplish when something easier comes along.
It's not flattering, but I'm not looking to boast.
My mind's set on other things; things that are close to me, things that are personal, things that involve the people around me... not my grades, my money, my responsibilities. If anyone else would look in on my life, they'd see my priorities are all in the wrong place. Or they would assume so.
I'd swear, but that would just extend to a lack of vocabulary.
Maybe it isn't so bad... maybe I love others and what they think of me too much.
Maybe I'm not so horrible; but then why would I feel this way?
I honestly need to sit down and discover what it is I need and what it is I want.

I'm looking for my lost motivation.

On top of all this, I've been feeling intense social anxiety; I feel like an adult label of "Failure to thrive".
Going to the school is like asking me to give a speech infront of 1,000 students with the spotlight beaming in my eyes. Stagefright in public?
Please don't tell me I'm developing a fear of judgment. I'm worried about what others think, of course, but please don't tell me that I've sunk so low as to believe I've become such a horrible blob that being in public is a shame.

Please don't tell me this is who I am.


 
 
Current Mood: unproductive
 
 

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Heart at Home
25 January 2007 @ 11:24 am
So, looking at this little livejournal I have here, I've realized that I don't have many online livejournal friends. But hey! That's alright with me.
I've come to realize that a sense of anonymity can do wonders for any burdens you want to get off your chest.
So, excuse me if I'm depressing, overly elated, psycho, or just plain odd in my further entries.
Because, frankly, I'm sick of censoring my thoughts. :oP
If I have one place in the world to blabber, it's going to be here.

But of course, I had to add a little endorsement: If you want to add me, please do so!
 
 
Current Mood: pleased
 
 
Heart at Home
18 January 2007 @ 02:09 pm
Have you ever felt that you wanted something so badly, that you can't possibly fathom being happy without it?
I'm stuck at that point right now.
I have two things I desperately want and feel that I need--although I'd rather not say what they are--and there are a million and one ways to achieve them but I just can't make up my mind and stick to the path I choose. I'm second guessing my own judgments.
I can't make up my mind. 

It's frustrating.

And every day that passes that I can't seem to pick a way to achieve them, the more hungry I am for my goals.
 
 
Current Mood: indecisive
 
 
Heart at Home
13 January 2007 @ 08:17 pm
I love days like today. They're lazy, sure, but you can't help but smile.
I'm inquiring into a new, amazing little house with some close and absolutely phenomenal friends. The one we saw two days ago was a little too far away for our liking, so we're talking to a landlord with a house much closer, right on the bus route. It's a cute little house with 5 bedrooms. Perfect.
I'm having an amazing time with my Sweetheart who just keeps me laughing, and I'm planning on having a good night.
I couldn't ask for anything else right now.

The work starts on Monday, so I'll enjoy myself all that I can.

The only empty part of me right now is the spot my puppy fills when I'm at home. I wish she were here.
 
 
Current Mood: grateful
 
 
Heart at Home
11 January 2007 @ 05:08 pm
So I must admit I've been feeling rather down lately. Just frustrated; where all these feelings melt into one and you can't really determine where they're coming from anymore. You would think I'd get used to it. Oh well.
I feel like I need a really big change. I loath what I see in the mirror, and I'm not sure if it's because I hate the way I am on the oustide, or if it's possibly something a lot deeper.
Sometimes, I just wish I were satisfied.
I'm making big changes tomorrow. I have a friend to work with me through this, so it's always nice to know you're not the only one struggling.

There is one exciting part of today, however. A certain number of close friends and I are going to look at houses for next year.
That should be a hobby of mine. I'm nosy as all hell, so I adore looking at other people's houses. I get physically excited when I'm invited over to a place I've never been. Odd? Maybe. Fun? You bet.
 
 
Current Mood: weird
 
 
Heart at Home
09 January 2007 @ 02:02 pm
Fighting, arguing, disagreeing. That's all I seem to be doing lately with the ones I care about most. I'm not normally hostile; I just can't figure out who I am lately. I feel like I've lost a little sense of self and I don't know how to express it; and that frustrates me.
I feel like everyone is telling me that I should get over things. That I shouldn't take things so personally. That I shouldn't hold things in. But how can you ask someone to do this who doesn't know how to "just let it go"?
My emotions don't die down. I remain angry, sad, frustrated for extensive periods of time. My feelings don't numb themselves. This could always be a positive aspect in some other areas (as I've thought before), seeing as any positive emotions stay just as long. I can love someone for longer and harder than they'll even realize I still exist anymore. I feel elated and happy toward everything around me. 
Get me into an argument and I can carry it on for days; I don't back down. Show me you care and I'll hold it within me as a permanent emotional smile.
Call me manic, call me crazy; I think of myself as uncontrollable.
I can't tame what I don't quite understand myself.

I guess it's time to figure out what I mean when I say "I".
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Current Mood: restless
 
 

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Heart at Home
03 January 2007 @ 10:24 pm

Ever been to BME.com? You should go. 
To be honest, I've become quite addicted. Call me crazy, but body mods and piercings (some certain types in particular) are something I have a little fetish with.  Don't ask me where it came from; believe me, it's not from family. I have a sister (1 of 4) with a tragus piercing, a retired nose stud, and a couple tattoos but that's the extent of it. This little fascination of mine has come out of the woodworks in full force lately, and I can't help but contemplate my next little adventure.  
I ask myself what I find so interesting with them, and something about them seems so sensual to me. So different; so oddly attractive. 
You'd never realize it, because I certainly don't seem the type to have a load of piercings.  But I can't help but think that's half the fun. Who would ever suspect the nice girl from Manitoba, the small-town girl, could have a profound interest in metal? Certainly not I.
I'm not saying I'm unique in any way, just interested.
The fact of the matter is; where's the nicest, cleanest, most respectable piercing parlour around here? I'm looking for a new addition. :oP

 
 
Current Mood: adventurous
 
 
Heart at Home
01 January 2007 @ 01:20 pm

So, another new year has arrived. It's 2007 and with the change in date comes so many more rituals than would originally follow the coming of midnight. Yes; the dreaded New Years Resolutions.
When thinking about the new year ahead of me (which, mind you, feels no different at all), I too have given into the cliche of bettering myself in the new year by creating New Years resolutions. They can be great things to make; even though I thoroughly believe that waiting for a new year to make these changes is kind of ridiculous.
I'm all for rising out of bed knowing how I want to make my world a better place. I like to think I try my best at that.
It's just, typically when you ask someone what their New Years resolutions are, it's often incredibly superficial. They're about appearances most often than not.
I'd love to see a change in heart. Do what you choose with your body in order to feel  more confidence, by all means you have the right to. I just wish people would consider the fact that the new year doesn't revolve around themselves.
Now, I could be a little hypocritical since I myself can be very selfish. But I'm working all the time to change that.
Let's consider selflessness this time around. I think it would be nice for a change. 


And looking back on this, I'm sure I seem preachy. I'm not a saint by any means; there's no way to go around that. I love the fact that people are making any goals at all. But it's like wishing for world peace (to quote Miss Congeniality, :oP); sometimes you thoroughly believe in what seems to be unreachable.

 
 
Current Mood: mellow
 
 
Heart at Home
30 December 2006 @ 11:02 am
Staying at my Aunt's basement apartment in a room with no window, I find it's much harder to have any sense of time.
I stay up until the wee hours of the morning, crawl into my bed, and decipher what time I might try to get up. The odd thing is.. it works. I decide what time to wake up and surprisingly enough, I'm up.  I haven't slept my day away once, and that's a feat in itself for me.
There's no sun to hint it's morning; only darkness and intuition.
Without a sense of time, oblivious to the world bustling around me, I follow my own schedule. There's no time restraints, no rushing; it's rare and I've fallen in love with it.
Sure, I wouldn't stay in my room once I'm awake, because let's admit it: it's a tiny room with no window. But ultimately, I feel lucky to be running by my own schedule.
I'm not stressing when the sun comes up, assuming I should be tending to my business immediately; I sleep sloundly.
No sense of time has resulted in something so different than I had expected.
Maybe I should be thankful for my little room without a view.
 
 
Current Mood: silly
 
 
Heart at Home
30 December 2006 @ 06:08 am

I guess you could say I'm new to the Oshawa scene.. with a change of scenery comes a change in heart; thus, a new journal and a drive to meet new individuals without forgetting those I left behind.
Care to give me a chance?

           
           
 
 
Current Mood: optimistic